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How a man feels loved  

Part II Section 1  


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Part I.   Introduction

             Section 1: The Best Mirror

             Section 2: Men and women are different - an overview  


Part II. How do we feel loved   

            Section 1; How does a woman feel loved

            Section 2: How does a man feel loved




At the heart of it, a man wants to touch the truth -- that you love him -- that he's "the one" for you. He wants to feel that he inspires happiness in you and that you accept, trust, and appreciate him. At his depth a man needs to know that he makes a positive difference in your life, otherwise he doesn’t even want to live.

A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough. If he looks in your eyes and sees love, he feels loved, and in that innocence, he loves you in return. He loves you for the feeling of energy which your appreciation and love evoke in him. 

For a woman to maintain this state is next to impossible! Especially given the ways they disappoint us!2 flowers

But this is the consciousness of a graceful woman. Yogi Bhajan says that when a woman fills herself with a forgiving, loving consciousness, everything on the earth will come to her, because her grace as a woman is so radiant.

Many men had mothers who didn’t come through for them. For example, many Mothers had a difficult time letting go of their sons. The boys have to pull away in order to define themselves. Even when grown, men seem to still need to withdraw to find solutions and identity. Fortunately, unlike his mother, you can let him go. You’ll be very surprised that when he comes back he’ll be feeling a lot of love and appreciation for you. If you can greet that love with affection, life will be very enjoyable. But most women are angry that he withdrew and so the fight continues.

Where a woman feels love for those who emotionally and physically support her,

a man feels love in response to a woman's gracious, and loving reactions to him. 


The song writer , Eric Clapton once wrote -- "And then she asked me, 'do you feel

     alright?' I said 'My darling, I feel wonderful tonight-- I feel wonderful because I see

      the love light in your eyes...and my darling, you were wonderful tonight...'"  


John Gray, author of Men are From Mars, has expressed a man's needs extremely well:  “Every time a woman  appreciates what a man  has done for her, he feels loved..." (197)


“To keep the score even in a relationship,

a man really doesnt require anything but love."

Women don’t realize the power of their love and many times unnecessarily  seek to earn a man’s love by doing more things for him than they want to do.” (198). If a man doesn't feel appreciated, then all her contributions to the running of the house are totally meaningless to him. “A major source of love for a man is the loving reaction that a woman has to his behavior.” (198)

As most women also know, sex is one of the biggest and best rewards for a man. True proof that you love him.


When he is Vulnerable  

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Sometimes men are very vulnerable in ways that are familiar to women. You can tell because they come to you to talk. They ask you what you think of a situation.  Once they finish speaking, they are ready to hear your advice, and it is the ultimate sign of trust and love from a man.

When men help you, men are very vulnerable. Were they competent at making you happy? They are not sure, but you can let them know. They need a lot of appreciation and your expression of happiness will evoke more helping behaviors.



How a man knows he is loved  

Let him know you  love having sex with him   Don't give unasked for advice   If he disappoints you try not to get angry  
Show that you are happy to be with him when he comes home form work   Don’t make a big deal out of his errors – like forgetting his keys,  Ask for things you want, rather than emphasize what he has done wrong  

When a man makes a mistake, or when he feels less than competent, he is very vulnerable and he can actually get mad at you! John Gray explains that if a man feels ashamed or sorry, “then he needs more love" therefore he gives more points if she responds by being supportive. The bigger the mistake, the more points he gives her for her love. If he doesn’t receive her love he tends to give her penalty points according to how much he needed her love.”(203) and these penalty points show up in his anger and withdrawal. 

When he is angry        

Men’s anger is very confusing to women. Men have testosterone coursing through their bodies and sometimes the flow is very strong. You may be the victim of “penalty points” for your not loving him when he was vulnerable, or you may have done nothing at all, but there he is, yelling and screaming.  

Some men get angry too much. For them, the problems can be  physically based (undetected blood sugar problems, chemical imbalances). Medical help may be necessary in some cases.

handFor most of us, the truth is, we could all do better managing our anger. You probably both get angry and hurt each other, though perhaps in different ways. John Gray advices this: “When a man is in a negative state, if she can treat him like a passing tornado and lie low, after the tornado has passed he will give her an abundance of bonus points for not making him wrong or for not trying to change him. If she tries to stop it, it will create havoc, and he will blame her for interfering.”  (203).

Gray goes on to to say, "[On Venus], when someone is upset everyone gets involves with one another and tries to understand what is bothering her by asking a lot of questions. When a tornado passes on Mars, everyone finds a ditch and lies low.” (204)

Steve, for all the professional world to see, was a mild mannered, likeable professor. He was tall, and angular – just what Michelle was looking for: a solid, stable man. But after being married for awhile, Steve had a hard day at work. He blew up at Michelle for bringing up a problem with the plumbing. “I can't even come home to find any peace!” he yelled as he stormed off to his study. She was quite taken back, but she understood men and knew she it was best to leave him alone, let him work it out and talk later.

After about an hour, he came to find her. He told her about his hard day at work and gingerly asked about the plumbing. She firmly, but lovingly, asked him not to yell at her again. He nodded his head and hugged her. Although he wouldn’t say it, he knew he was wrong and he was sorry. He felt her forgiveness and he loved her very much.


Men rarely say they are sorry because they are afraid that they won’t be forgiven  When they are wrong, they are terrified of their own incompetence. A man will love you very much if you forgive him his flaws and love him anyway.


  When he is withdrawn  TherapiesAppointment

Maybe it was those dominant Mothers – or maybe its true that its harder for a boy to define himself, so he has to withdraw. As a man they still need to withdraw for many reasons --  to think through a problem, to consolidate themselves when they have been too intimate, or to work through their anger. 

A woman can understand that she can best nurture a man, not with questions and sharing her concern (as she might with a woman), but rather by maintaining her own contentment and simply letting him go. Sometimes they need to cope with their problems by  themselves, without interference in the form of questions or worry. A man will feel loved and appreciate you a great deal if you can graciously allow him to have his space.    

A Man really doesn't need anything but your love

For a man to feel loved, he doesn't  need anything except your love. Love means you authentically appreciate, trust, and forgive him his mistakes. When a man recognizes that you love him, your love lights his heart, and for him,  you are an angel.

A Man really doesn't need anything but your love


"In the name of God we marry just to assure one thing:

God has witnessed I am for you and you are for me."  Yogi Bhajan (1986, 133)



rockPart I.   Introduction

             Section 1: The Best Mirror

             Section 2: Men and women are different - an overview  


Part II. How do we feel loved   

            Section 1; How does a woman feel loved

            Section 2: How does a man feel loved

This is a two part series designed to help you understand your partner in new ways. In Part I we look at some of the psychological underpinnings of relationships. In Part II, we try to understand how men and women are different and, based on those differences, how each feels loved.

For more information about a wonderful varieties of therapies please click here: TherapiesAppointment